Articles

Love Script: How to Rewrite your Relationship

Love can be enduring, some might say eternal. Compatibility on the other hand, well, that’s a whole other story. It’s also where so much of the work lies. Many couples remain in love but don’t remain together. This is often because they didn’t rewrite their love script by tuning into how they were evolving.   There are three important questions to ask here: How are my needs and habits evolving? How are my partner’s needs and habits evolving? How is our relationship handling our individual evolution?   Simply put, these points are what your love script is built upon. If one of the questions is getting less attention than the other, you are dwelling in imbalance. This state puts you on the slippery slope towards dysfunction and perhaps, a break-up. 8 Ways to Rewrite Your Love Script and Your Relationship! 1. Reject perfectionism Pop culture keeps us chasing the latest trends, the hottest gadget, and yes…even the perfect relationship. Reject perfectionism (it doesn’t exist) and embrace the process (it’s where all the memories are created). 2. Accept change Love, at first sight, is wonderful. But is it sustainable? Rarely, at best. In reality, it’s most productive to accept that you both will continue to change and evolve. Such acceptance creates space for your love script to take all sorts of new twists and turns. 3. Communicate about the big issues Only you can define what’s “big” to you but typically, this means money, kids, sex, and so on. Don’t leave any of this to chance. Life moves quickly and it becomes convenient to avoid conflict. It may feel convenient but in the long run, it’s a recipe for division. 4. Communicate in general and in [...]

By |2017-12-01T15:31:52+00:00October 16th, 2017|Uncategorized|0 Comments

How to Support Effective and Respectful Boundary Setting

Boundary setting is one of the most important and challenging steps we must take in any relationship. As friends, we may be joined at the hip. As partners, we’re soul mates who finish each other’s sentences. In our careers, we have inseparable colleagues. Regardless of the setting, the truth remains that we’re individuals first and foremost. This means we can and do have boundaries that impact even those closest to us. Why is it so hard to set boundaries? The answers to this question are complex and virtually endless but here are some common trends: We have been conditioned from an early age to be a people-pleaser. Boundaries will likely decrease your popularity and sometimes perceived safety. Boundary setting is sure to anger those who seek to control.   Not knowing what it is what we want. How can we set boundaries when we’ve never been encouraged to put ourselves first?   This is when others do their best to stop you from putting yourself first. Some will try to twist around your boundaries until they are nothing like what you declared.  That also can be referred to as “Crazy Making”, where you may even doubt your own need for the boundary!   We feel responsible for the other person’s response. This is tricky. We love many people in our lives and fear hurting them in any way, having conflict with them or being potentially emotionally abandoned if boundary setting is not appreciated. 6 Ways to Support Effective and Respectful Boundary Setting Don’t lose perspective when online The Internet has changed almost everything. Boundary setting has become harder than ever. Of course, there’s the anonymous option—which seems to embolden many to become trolls. But also, [...]

By |2017-09-28T01:22:19+00:00October 7th, 2017|Uncategorized|0 Comments

Neurofeedback Helps Veteran Win The War On PTSD

This article covers how two war vets with PTSDF become permanently locked in a state of adrenal fight or flight, unaware of the dangerous consequences to their lives and becoming a constant negative loop with no relief and huge consequences. It tells of how conventional treatments had failed them and what eventually brought them out of despair and being stuck in this mental loop and back into balance and into mental health. https://neuroptimal.com/neurofeedback-helps-veteran-win-war-ptsd/

By |2017-12-01T15:32:25+00:00October 6th, 2017|Uncategorized|0 Comments

The Problem with Hidden or Wrong Assumptions

Assumptions have a bad reputation. Of course, in many cases, this reputation is well-earned. Assumptions are usually opinions, based more on our expectations and perceptions than on fact.   However, we make assumptions all day, every day. It could be about our commute to work, what the weather will be, and so on. It’s part of the drive for survival to, for example, see a dark and desolated street and assume it’s best to find another route. In other words, not all assumptions are wrong assumptions. When are assumptions a bad idea? Often and usually. In the context we’re using here, assumptions are like bad seeds. Unless pruned, they grow and gain strength. Uprooting them later is much harder work than nipping them in the bud before they grow. There are countless different types of assumptions. Here are three of the most common examples: 1. Assumptions based on a single or outdated past experience. So much of our present strife is born in the past. Even one singular experience can instill a lifelong belief. Simply put, we choose to accept that if it went one way in the past, it will always go that way. This just may be the most common of all wrong assumptions—and for good reason. If you took a chance and were shot down in public, you’d likely make a deep mental note to not try it again. Mindfulness and reprogramming our beliefs can teach us to embrace the present, a place where assumptions are exposed. 2. Assumptions based on our environment. Where we live, who raised us, and the conditions of our surroundings all combine to form a huge part of our worldview. Wrong assumptions can be actively or passively [...]

By |2017-09-18T23:05:43+00:00September 26th, 2017|Uncategorized|0 Comments

Strategies to Use For Managing Conflict in a Non-threatening Way!

In the age of memes and click bait, we might be tricked into seeing anger as universally bad. We must avoid it and avoid conflict in order to be enlightened. Reality says otherwise. Anger is a normal emotion from which we can learn plenty. Conflict is unavoidable but managing conflict does not have to involve raised voices and hurt feelings. Learning to accept conflict will make us receptive to its lessons. What conflict can teach us: 1. We learn about others When there’s a conflict, this usually means our viewpoint is being challenged. This can feel like an attack (see below) or it can be accepted as an opportunity. Even when we strongly disagree with someone, we can take away valuable information from that disagreement. 2. We learn about ourselves How we respond when pressured is important to note. Conflict can take us by surprise. This is uncomfortable but it also offers us information about ourselves. We can assume all day about what we may or may not do. When anger and conflict arise, we have real-life answers to such hypothetical questions. 3. We become exposed to new ideas Yes, it is possible that the other person has a good idea. Accepting the reality of conflict is also a sign that you’re open-minded. When we manage conflict in a non-threatening way, we create space to learn. 4. We practice communication skills Communication is the bedrock of all interactions. During a conflict, we can lose control. One of the first casualties is often communication. We don’t listen. Our voices raise. Emotions overwhelm reason. Whether we like it or not, conflict is an excellent test of our communication skills. 5. We grow and create emotional understanding and [...]

By |2017-12-01T15:32:47+00:00September 21st, 2017|Uncategorized|0 Comments

Why Power Struggles Happen & How You Survive Them to Reach the Peaceful Co-Creative Stage

Three words you just don’t want to see lined up in a row: relationship power struggle. Perfect balance may not be always attainable. In fact, it’s never attainable! But when your relationship becomes an ongoing tug of war, dysfunction sets in quickly. From there, peaceful co-creation is a pipe dream. A major factor in such situations is the power imbalance. Our culture, in general, favors some while others struggle. This dynamic does not vanish just because two people fall in love. What dynamics can cause a power imbalance? 1. Age Age-gap relationships are tricky on many levels but one aspect remains under-examined: ageism. In general, the younger partner is taken less seriously. Even the older partner may contribute to this reality thanks to long term conditioning. 2. Sex/gender We live in a male-dominant society. Women face far more hardship and oppression than men. The results of this imbalance play out in more ways than we can list here. 3. Race We also live in a white-dominant society. Mixed race couples must remain very diligent to not fall prey to the insidious traps of racism. Again, cultural conditioning can often trump intent. Never take it for granted that you can keep learning. 4. Finances Money issues have the potential to poison any relationship. When one partner earns substantially more than the others, resentment is always lurking. Such an imbalance is also a recipe for controlling behavior. This topic requires your full focus and attention. 5. Education Education differences also have the potential to create a difference in perceptions, acceptance, and the way couples discuss, explore differences and resolve any differences or conflicts.   6. Communication Talking Styles Different communication talking styles help to create misunderstandings and [...]

By |2017-08-30T23:59:54+00:00September 5th, 2017|Counseling|0 Comments

What causes sexual sparks to stop

Thanks to pop culture, we may secretly believe: It’s easy and normal to have a great sex life Everyone else is having more and better sex than me We can joke about sex but talking about it is weird This strange relationship with intimacy can make it a challenge to keep the sexual sparks burning. Few of us openly talk about it but our sex lives are usually a lot trickier than we let on. What causes sexual sparks to stop Obviously, things will vary with each couple. However, there are some universal factors. For example: 1. Lack of time and energy It can be basic logistics. Modern life is challenging. Kids change things. Economic factors can have us working more hours. Simply put, you can’t have sex if you don’t have the time and/or energy to do so. 2. Mismatched libidos You can be made for each other—soul mates, even—but no two people have the same exact needs. Feeling mismatched in our sexual desires can lead to an avoidance of intimacy. Here’s where honest communication is key. 3. Porn-induced issues The rise of internet porn has been shown to have a widespread negative impact on more sex lives than can be calculated. Rather than igniting a spark, it tends to dampen it. 4. Boredom/Roommate syndrome What starts out as pure lust can and will evolve. Boredom can be a factor. But even more often, you and your partner bond as friends and roommates. This can confuse the whole “let’s hook up” part of your connection. 5. Underlying issues Relationships are an ongoing process. There are plenty of rough patches. Harboring feeling like anger, resentment and unresolved issues translates into less sexual sparks. Don’t force [...]

By |2017-08-20T18:21:02+00:00August 28th, 2017|Uncategorized|0 Comments

How to Identify and Deal with a Highly Sensitive Person!

70 percent of HSPs are introverts. Do you suspect someone you know is a highly sensitive person? Perhaps the first step in dealing with any highly sensitive person is deciding to be sensitive enough to learn who they are. Some of the characteristics of a highly sensitive person (HSP) include: Prefers meaningful conversations over small talk Reflects deeply Tends to dwell on things Take their time to decide and respond Requires lots of down time Detail oriented Prone to anxiety or depression A highly sensitive person may also display unusual or uncommon sensory issues, e.g. a heightened sense of smell. In that case, they may not only notice a scent you didn’t. They may also have an extremely low threshold for that odor. This type of reaction to sensory input could also involve noise and sound, a wide range of tastes, and even different types of touch. As a result, the HSP often declines social invites. When they do hang out, it may not be for long and don’t expect them to be the life of the party. None of this makes them weird or wrong or unlikable. It’s not something you have to fix. In fact, HSP are barometers for the emotional climate around them.  They are like the canaries that they use to send down into the mines so that when the bird died of the toxic changes in the environment they would get the miners out for safety because the miners may not notice the subtle changes that were deadly in their environment. However, if there’s an HSP in your life, it first helps to identify them. From there, you can begin the process of being a better friend/colleague/neighbor/partner/parent or whatever to [...]

By |2017-08-24T18:49:44+00:00August 20th, 2017|Uncategorized|0 Comments

How to Have a Healthy Relationship: Essential Qualities & Compatibilities

Love can be enduring. It might even be eternal. But what about compatibility? There’s the rub. We each continue to grow and evolve throughout our lives. Our needs change. Our desires shift. How can this not impact our relationships? There’s the rub. We each continue to grow and evolve throughout our lives. Our needs change. Our desires shift. How can this not impact our relationships? In some cases, we meet when we’re young. Just as often, we’re older and might imagine ourselves to be fully formed adults. Either way, expect change. If a relationship feels carved in stone, one of you is dangerously compromising. This is one of the many signs of an unhealthy relationship. Others include: Lack of communication or miscommunication Decrease in intimacy Increase in criticism and judgments Passive aggressive, passive or aggressive behavior Spending less time together Inability or unwillingness to forgive On the flip side… 10 Essential Qualities & Compatibilities of a Healthy Relationship 1. Trust No matter how many challenges you face, you can prevail if your relationship is built upon trust. 2. Communication No matter how many challenges you face, you can prevail if you have healthy communication. 3. Shared interests (and tolerated interests) You love each other. Do you love other things together? Keep trying new stuff. And when your partner loves something you don’t, try it every now and then compromise. 4. Intimacy It’s up to each couple to decide what “intimacy” means. But without it, it’s difficult to keep things functional. Physical and emotional intimacy is like glue. It bonds couples in ways that are difficult to describe yet simple to appreciate. 5. Commitment It’s work. Accept this and commit to the process. If the process [...]

By |2017-08-24T18:49:56+00:00August 8th, 2017|Uncategorized|0 Comments

Codependency: How Does it Affect Relationships? What Can You Do?

We’re taught to dream of soul mates. How many songs are written about couples made for each other? The libraries are full of books about finding the person you want to be with all the time. But is this what we really want…or need? Can a close relationship become too close? Is this what they mean by codependency? What is Codependency? The definitions and criteria can vary widely but a codependent relationship is one that's built upon helping each other. This may sound good at first. However, it’s a very dysfunctional form of helping. To help explain what this means, please consider some of the hallmarks of codependency: You willingly engage in long term, high-cost care-taking The more you sacrifice, the more self-esteem you feel You display a pattern of enabling and unhealthy helping behaviors You attract needy individuals, have a tendency to take responsibility for them, and thus take on problem far beyond your ability to handle A codependent person does not set many boundaries. Therefore, their emotions are directly tied to the behavior of those in their life. This sets into a motion a dangerous cycle. The longer the cycle exists, the harder it is to recognize. How Does Codependency Negatively Affect Relationships? 1. You feel like you cannot live without the other person Once again, pop culture teaches us that this is a positive goal. It most definitely is not. Committed love is wonderful. Building your entire self-image around another person is dysfunctional. 2. Your partner controls you or you control your partner This may sound obvious but control is a tricky concept. It’s so tricky that even some controllers don’t know they’re doing it. Codependency provides cover for such behavior. 3. [...]

By |2017-08-30T23:59:12+00:00August 4th, 2017|Uncategorized|0 Comments